The Beginning of an end of an endless end ...

"If you can't have the one you love, where are you going with your life?" ~Musiq Soulchild

These are words from a true wordsmith. I'm just rethinking the words I spewed out like venom a few days ago - A Season's Ending. I really just wonder if I might, in the back of my mind always want for something that's not good - and really has never been that good for me.

When I talked with my mom after The Incident she said she had recently got a phone call from an old college boyfriend who apparently had that "What If" clause blunted into his thoughts despite the reality of his wife, er ex, and kids. That's just a scary thought all around.

If I can't have what it is that I want, I want my life to move past the idea of something and into the realm of what is true and tangible. I think back to my dealings with LPzee and Knez, and how I thought I'd never get over those two females. Eventually I did, but if I'm not mistaken it was because of some of the female who entered the picture and caught my eye/ear.

.... Neways, I got an innocent instant message on Monday from Triple B wishing me a happy belated Merry Christmas. Needless to say, I was a little shocked. I woke up on Christmas morning admittedly hoping she'd call. Soon enough, though, with all of the text messages and phone calls that came, I realized that I was really alright.

Still when i saw the message, I have to admit that it meant a lot to me. Yes, I responded and had a little dialogue, but nothing major.

Yes, it hit a motherf-in soft spot on my insides, and I realized that I don't really want the type of situation with her where we only call each other on holidays and birthdays because that does nothing much but stir up bad memories. Yes, there are good moments, just like the aforementioned. But what good are they when they're just mixed up with thoughts of all of the messed up things that have happened?

Really, I wish that shit could just be right between us. I'm simple. I want things to be right. But I'm not the one whose maturity hasn't caught up with their actual age when it comes to relationships and how you treat people.

All of this beckons me to wonder if this is just the beginning (really the midddle) of an end of an endless end or if this situation will actually ever fully go away? I really dunno. I guess I'm just confused and I really don't feel like thinking or writing about this anymore on this morn. So, I'll holler ... oh yeah, shouts out to JESUS on the Belated Birthday. Yes, I'm a fool.