Leave The Lights On ...

Ed's note: Sorry if this offends anyone. Like Bill Parcells said, No disrespect.

Teddy Pendergrass made a big mistake with the song "Turn Off The Lights." Don't get me wrong, I love the song. But it should have been titled "Light A Candle."

Why, you ask?

While driving from the most Northeastern edge of Kansas to well, the most southwestern edge, I immersed myself in good conversation with female friend. Don't know how it quite got there but somehow I found myself on my sexual soapbox.

"I cannot stand monotony in bed. Spice it up. Do something different," I said. "Long jump onto me. Wake me up in the morning with a special surprise. Do something. Just don't do the same thing."

I really hate boring sex. There must be spontaneity. There must be passion.

And for this to happen, you cannot have someone who has a mapped-out three-page plan of how every sexual encounter must go. Moreover, you cannot have someone who must have the lights off before they start taking off clothes and get in the sack.

That's just wrong.

"If you're scared to take your clothes off in front of this person, you don't need to be sleeping with them," I said. "That just doesn't make much sense."

"Everybody has their needs," my friend chimed back. "They need to get some, even if they don't want someone to see their body."

If you don't want someone to see what you look like, you don't deserve to sleep with that person. I mean, I could careless about a stretch mark here or there. I could give a crap about a saggy chest or that unfathomable birth mark. If I'm gonna go through with it, I want to fully enjoy you. Not just envision what you look like through your silhouette in the dark. Especially if I love you.

"Turning the lights off is a turn off for me," I said. "Unless, you've previously lit candles or it’s a three a.m. "wake me up in the middle of the night" booty call, i.e. a special surprise, leave the lights alone. Don't hit the stop button on the foreplay because you need to turn the lights down. If you do, I will press power then eject, and the session will be over."

Now, I knew I shouldn't have said any of this to my friend though. She immediately started to panic, saying that the next time she had sex; she'd turn the lights off because she was self-conscious about her body.

"I can't do it with them on anymore," she said. "What if he sees all those stretch marks while he's hitting it from the back? I'll be embarrassed."

I thought I was trying to help her out, and all I did was more damage. ...