From A Long Time Ago

I wrote this five years ago in a journal, today.

Hear I am, trapped within this maze that we call life. I'm supposed to feel like I'm on top of the world, but I feel more like the gerbil on a wheel living each day as though it were the one before.

There's no escape from this madness, just a pillow to lay my head on and shut my eyes and my mind off from the ignorance of days past. And each morning I wake, I mourn for that which I've lost the day before. The hours. The thoughts. The friends. The enemies.

All I want is to wake and feel relief instead of pain. I want to look in the mirror as though it were a window to my soul and see joy as though I'd never seen it before. Instead, all I see is doubt circled about by fear and resentment, and wonder if the next day will bring about something new. I guess that's why I keep going to sleep, and more importantly why I keep waking up, in hope of something new.

You see, amid my displeasures there is hope. There's a ray of sunshine that speckles even on my darkest day. I know that the day will come when I'm set free from my captivity, and I will roam where I wish to roam, when I'm ready. I'll look toward my reflection, and my heart will smile a thousand times over. I'll fall to sleep without discomfort, and rise in the morning and know without looking that the joy I've rummaged for on my insides will beam on my exterior.

That's the day I will know love. That's the day I will live and walk with love and, nothing but, love in mind.