So I sent the "Unsent Note to Double B" last night after I told her happy birthday one last time, the last of Mr. Nice Guy for a while.
I couldn't help but feel a slight bit of relief and despair at the same time in sending it. We've been back and forth and back and forth seemingly every month for the last two years, but this actually feels different because I feel like I have huge grasp on what the real problem is - the fact that my weight makes other people question/joke about the idea of Double B and I. It's a problem that isn't quite mine, but hers and hers alone. Those are her insecurities, not mine.
About 30 minutes after I sent the message over facebook, she sent me a text message in response that said "thanks again 4 the gifts and bday wishes. take care love."
I didn't respond, which was unlike me. But I didn't want to be the sarcastic asshole I am in moments like these and I didn't know whether to believe her words to be sincere or what. I mean, if she was honestly sincere or appreciative, she wouldn't have done/said the things she would do/say just before her birthday in regards to me and what she thinks of me. Right?
It's funny because she recently changed my ringer on her phone to Anthony Hamiltion's "Can't Let Go."
I felt something special when I first listened to the song after she told me it was my ringer on her cell. Seemingly fitting for our relationship, for the most part, until she so much as said that she couldn't take what other people were apparently saying about us, and didn't want anyone to think she was with me, and wanted them to think she was/is single. Truly hurtful words.
This known, there is no progress or good that can come of this ordeal unless there is a sincere change of heart on her part. Thus, the note was sent.
In summation, "This shows how shallow and weak she is as a person. If you can't stand up for me when someone says something about you and I, then we just don't need to talk nor covet the ideas of being together nor married." ~ an AIM message I sent to John Lennon's Black Daughter a few minutes ago concerning the situation.
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In other news, I've reached my weight goal for the last month of 220, down about 18 lbs from the "we need to talk" text message. I realized during this time that having a sense of accomplishment concerning my personal self - watching what I eat, running a mile, etc. - gives me a great feeling about who I am inside.
I realized that the last time I was on a kick like this was from Sept. 2004 until about March 2005. I was vibrant. Enjoying life. I had goals that I wanted to accomplish. Then in one fellow swoop, things went wrong with my mother, father and Double B in a span of 36 hours, and I literally lost it.
I know all of my friends who know me, knew something was wrong even past everything that went down in April and May of 2005 inside my inner circle. It drove me into a deep depression I didn't really care to talk about with anyone. I could explain the situation with my parents and Double B, but I'd never really go into what was going on with me not even Double B, the person I rely on (and who fails me) the most. I didn't really talk to my brother, probably my real best friend when it boils down to it, much at all even because I didn't feel as though I could help him much and I felt horrible about that.
I just didn't care much about life. I'd eat anything, and do nothing to combat it. I'd eat out everyday just because it was an option. My roommate wondered if I knew where the kitchen was.
Now, though, I found it. I haven't had but one cheesburger from Burger King, thanks to Ms. New Booty and a friend of hers, in the last month. I'm running every day and broham rmattwill just got at me about playing in a men's baseball league this summer, something I would love to do. So things on that front are looking positive, and I'm feeling like I'm finally coming out of my funk for myself.
Hey, if I don't have a new job by mid-June, I guess I'll be working on the book that got derailed with my confidence/mental stability last April and May. As rmattwill would say, "who knows?"
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