Waiting to Weight Worthiness ... (YRUN2 Double B, Part I)

I share this with you because it’s heavy on my heart now. It might not before you, but it’s an honest emotional release for me. Maybe, you’ll learn something about the depths of love. Maybe you'll see me as a foolish man blindly in love with a selfish person ... I know what I see, and I know that is all that matters.

An Unsent Note to Double B
It’s obvious that you don’t want to acknowledge my presence or existence in your life with anyone else but me and that what other people think of our situation matters more than what you or I believe to be true. It’s apparent that my weight/appearance and the possibly that (Gaylord Fokker) may get upset by knowing what’s really going on between us keeps you from being your complete loving self with me. And it’s clear that you wish to revel in the glories of shallowness while you have chance instead basking in the rays of sincere love. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what standard of what's required of how other people think we look together. Therefore, I think its best that we part ways until you understand that you must love me for who you know I am, and not what people perceive me to be. I can’t continue to be hurt/bothered/heartbroken by you and your childish ways/thoughts. Inspite of your ignorance, I still love you for who you - not for what you look like - but who you are, always have, always will.

This problem came to a head in a moment most wouldn’t believe possible. For the last few months, I had been talking to a nice/well-to-do/attractive young lady, who wasn’t Double B. She too, however, resides in that hell hole known as Mizzou, a place where all things fake and superficial are what people perceive to be the light.

We’ll call her Ms. New Booty. I went to see Ms. New Booty the weekend before her birthday, and kind of help her celebrate it. When birthday’s are important to people I’m close to, I tend to flock toward and try to please them because of the year my father & stepmother chose to not say a word to me on my birthday on purpose though they walked by me 100-plus times that forgetful August 18th.

So I wanted to celebrate with Ms. New Booty, and also see if this whole talking situation might be able to spring legs. The growth was stunted, though, two days into the trip. I got the fatal text message nobody wants “we need to talk.” I wrote about it briefly a few weeks back without the detail that follows.

New Booty pretty much told me that the attractiveness that she thought was there over the phone didn’t necessarily translate into person (in better explanation, she didn’t think that talking to a person of my size - 235 pounds at that moment – would sit well with her friends and she couldn’t handle it all to well).

I’ll admit, I played it cool at first – partially because I had my own reservations/awkwardness about the weekend that I didn’t go into. Double B and my father have done far worse things to upset me in the past few years, so I didn’t blow up. I told her everything was cool and that we could still be friends. But I also realized something, and I almost immediately bolted town as I slumped into a depression.

The way New Booty treated/reacted to me in person nearly mirror the way Double B had just a month ago the last time I saw her – both were distant and cold with their physical considerations toward me to a degree. There were some moments where things were okay, and some where things were flat out awkward.

It made me think again? Could the entire reason Double B and I aren’t together – and officially been together since late 2003 aside from random weekend flings and a few week-long tryst - be because I weigh too much? I knew that’s what it was, and I immediately sulked.

By happenstance, Double B, who I really hadn't talked to in over a month at the time, picked up her cell and placed a phone call to me that night. Within the first five minutes, I politely asked what percentage my weight played into us not being together. She openly replied 80 percent. … 80 fucking percent. I was floored again. All this time (four years), my weight played that significant of a factor, and I honestly thought that this person, Double B, was loving me truly for who I was, had put behind the thought of my weight and had accepted me. I was dead wrong.

(Now, I'll say this. I know I'm an attractive person who just happens to have some pudge. But I don't put myself in situation where I look like an idiot per what I have on - or at least I think I've gotten completely away from that)

I immediately started brain-storming ways to put the excess weight off. Sure, this was motivation of some sort, but I also felt comfortable with myself to a degree because I felt like my “best friend/the person who talks about marrying me and having my kids” actually loved me for who I was now. I realized I wasn’t really happy with myself in my current state – dealing with weight, my mental place in life and overall – and that working myself into shape would do wonders for me personally because I've done it before and experienced the results. Maybe it might help my situation with Double B. Maybe it wouldn't at this point.

But then I thought a bit more. Over the last three years, the signs were few and far between. Honestly, any time we encountered each other sexually, there was no problem (7) and the majority of the few times weight ever came up, it almost immediately became a moot point because she was relieved to just say what she felt.

This and new revelations over that last few days, briefly expounded upon in the note above to Double B, have made me realize that their problem with my weight really didn’t concern what New Booty nor Double B actually thought of me. It was what other people say to them/think about my size. Both, in their own ways, have said just that in the last few weeks/days.

I’ll admit, Double B is one of the five most attractive women that I've probably seen in person in my entire life, hence the blogname Black Barbie. Everybody has their simplistic flaws, but she has few. But I can also tell you that my attraction to her is about 30 percent physical at this point. We're far past that whole "lovey, dovey" bullshit. The rest of the attraction deals with how we actually interact with each other, when she doesn’t want to act a plum fool, as explained in previous posts. It’s a sincere feeling where I believe this person could be the one I grow old with.

I’ve just been blind to the problem that she’s too superficial, shallow and worried about what people, who won’t give a shit about her once she’s done with school, think. I truly thought that she loved me for who I am, but it’s apparent that she doesn’t necessarily. It’s apparent that she values far too high the way someone looks, and not the way they make her feel and the conversation they share. Looks matter most to her or else we wouldn't have our current problems.

I know she never had to give me a chance four years ago, and I thought I was privileged to a degree to have someone that fine seem genuinely interested in me. And for her to actually giving me a chance, and for our conversation and interaction to work as well as it did? I believed the one was her, and thought the world of her for loving me for who I was despite my faults. It appeared/appears at times that she walks away with that same feeling about me. But as time has wore on, that has proven not to be the case. I can clearly see her lack of depth or what is likely still immaturity even at 22. Maybe she's just not a good person for me.

That’s just sad on many levels – because I love her despite all of her personality flaws, all the hell she’s put me through in the last four years of my life, her hammer-time toes and inability to grow the hair on her head (and everyone knows I love a girl with long hair. I even threw out the idea that she might just need to cut it shorter, and I was completely okay with that if that’s what would make her happy. I barely flinched when she put on about 30 pounds from 2004 until earlier this year.)

I love her for her, despite her shortcomings. It's evident through my actions on this day, Double B's birthday, in spite of her current level of respect/concern for me. Despite the hurt and disdain, I still picked up the phone, and went beyond what was necessary.

I just wish she could say and feel the same about me and actually show it. Oh well, I guess it’s one of those things you must go through in life. I’ve lived, I’ve learned. I want things to work. They probably won’t, and honestly, I think I’ll be alright if they don’t. At least, I finally know what the real problem is, and even if I don't have my soulmate, I still have my sanity and heart. That's all that matters at this point, right?

Thanks wildcat-squared for understanding/listening to me.
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By the way, I told Ms. New Booty that even if she felt like she made a mistake to not go back on what she said when I visited her because I hate wishy-washy people.