I Hate Derek Jeter

I have this thing where when I see someone famous on television and they pique my interest, I look them up on Wikipedia, one of my addictions.

When I'm being lazy, which is more than it should be, I'll type the person's name in my toolbar's Google search because I know Wikipedia's entry will be No. 2 or 3 on the search list.

Well, this evening the list of people I decided to look up included Jessica Alba. I can't even tell you what she was on the television for now, not after what i learned. Tonight, Google search ruined any desire I had for the famous/attractive white woman.

You see, in my list of attractive famous women I always keep a few white women in my list to diversify my tastes, to allow for myself to appear and be well-rounded. The two women battling for that No. 1 spot for the white women were Alba and Scarlett Johansson.

That was until I googled Alba tonight.

I typed her name - J-E-S-S-I-C-A A- ... and before I could finish, Google had given me its suggestions.

No. 1: Jessica Alba.
No. 2: Jessica Alba and herpes.

"What?" I thought. "How did I miss this?"

So I did what any self-respecting person would do. I clicked on the second option to find out more dirt on Alba. Low and behold, she apparently contracted the disease from Derek "I only do the finest women in Hollywood and New York" Jeter, also the captain of the New York Yankees.

The Ron Mexico status immediately serves as a demotion for Alba, and I told belizeanchica this was the case. Scarlett had lost her main competition in my book because I can't look at Jessica the same now.

Then I found this tree:



Yeah, guess who's on there, too. Scarlett branded with a big-ass red H. I hate Derek Jeter the baseball player, and now I hate Derek Jeter the man. He's ruined the wet and pipe dreams of millions of men and sports fans.

And he deserves to be reprimanded for his actions.

Ed's Note: this is just a joke. I don't really hate Derek Jeter because he'll never be as good as A-Rod.