At A Loss

“I’m sorry. I’m at a loss for words.”

I have some advice for you. If in someway you allow the aforementioned phrase to seep out of your mouth in a moment of mental confinement, will you do all six of us in the real world a huge favor, and shut the fuck up?

Walk away from whatever podium, camera, microphone or reporter you’re standing in front of, and find something else to do with your idle mind. Preserve for us the precious few seconds you’re wasting so we can do something better with them than listen to you think of something to say after you have just told us you have nothing else to say.

Fuck a figure of speech, it’s a bad cliché. Can you possibly think of how it makes us feel to know we are wasting away listening to you think? If I added up the time I’ve waited for someone to say something profound after excusing that phrase from their person, then subtracted that figure from my age of 27, I would be, I don't know, 8.

This is not a gross exaggeration.

The first time I heard someone utter this phrase, I was in the second grade, and too young to recognize figures of speech. I took all things literally. If my mother said, “I’m going to whoop your ass when we get home,” I didn't laugh it off because she would follow through.

So when someone dare say “I’m at a loss for words,” I expected them to not say anything else. But, to my surprise, no one stops talking. They take it as an opportunity to soak up as much undeserved attention as possible.

“I… just don’t know what to say …. I just want to let you know that accomplishing this was just really, really hard, and it took a lot of effort.”

Really? It took effort to form that simplistic ass sentence and purse your lips to release it? Would you please …

… I don’t know … I’m frustrated … I’m walking away now because I’m at a loss for words.

Click Here to Read More..

Tales from the EBP

I decide that I wanted to contribute something to StuffEducatedBlackPeopleLike. Being that the blog didn't have a header that remind you of/mock StuffWhitePeopleLike, I made one.

I sent it to the blog's author two nights ago, and within two minutes of sending it, she added it to the web site. Pretty funny. We've started a dialogue over e-mail and chat. She seems like a really cool, laid-back person. She has to be to write this blog.

I've even written her a sample entry or two she could use if she wants. If she does, I'll let you know.

But back to the important part: So my graphic-artist game is about to jumpoff. Not really, but I have received a couple of cool compliments from bloggers out there concerning the header.

Here's one taken from Mixin' It Up:

Bonus points for whoever designed the masthead image to StuffEducatedBlackPeopleLike, which I've included at the top of this post. Besides being identical in style and form to the original and their overt comparison in the "About" section, you'll notice a small tribute in the form of a picture of some Black folks in a fraternity step show. In the background is some kind of poster ad -- for sushi. Classic.

I was called "Classic." It gets no better.

The funniest part about it is that I didn't even realize that Sushi banner was in the background of the Alpha picture. The blog author actually pointed it out to me. Ironic. We both got a great laugh out of that one.

Anyway, stay tuned. Oh, and I may have some good news come next week. We'll see, though.

Click Here to Read More..

I Owe You One ...

This is apparently what I'm going to call this weekly video segment because I always want to post it late. Anyway, this week, I give you Puffy (yes Puffy) when I could still stand him. If you don't know, this was when BIG was still alive. Thus, it's BIG and Total, Can't You See. Not the other way around because BIG dominates this track.

Click Here to Read More..

Being cool with a celeb

My best friend, Q-Boog, is a producer for a network. She works crazy hours, and rarely gets time off. But she enjoys her job, ahem, career.

A few years back, through work, she made friends with a wildly popular celebrity whose name I will not mention. They exchanged numbers, and actually started talking. He calls her whenever he comes to town.

Once, he dialed her while she was prepping for bed. He asked her if she'd come out to where he was. Already in her PJs, she declined. He told her he would gladly come to her and "get in his jammies with her." Of course, she said no.

They haven't seen each other since they met. They always miss each other. But every month, she tells me that "(INSERT CELEB'S NAME) called again." I get a grand laugh at knowing that they're "friends."

It makes you wonder how much celebs appreciate meeting someone who has no interest in their celebrity, but who wants to know them for who they are. You know, someone the celebrity can confide simple truths in, and still not worry about that friend leeching on for the ride.

It's also an opportunity for the celeb to prove to be human. Q-Boog's father recently had a heart attack. She flew home to be by his side. This celeb happened to be coming to her current town as she was leaving. He texted Q-Boog in hopes of meeting up, finally. She told him about her Pops and that she was back home. They'd missed each other again.

As any friend would, he sent along his well wishes. But get this, he has talked to her more during this time period than I have. This celeb knew she was flying home to be by his side before I did.

He has called her every day to check on her and her Pops, sometimes more than once a day. Yesterday, he called while she was chilling with her Pops. Her dad, who is at home and doing better every day, got so excited about the phone call that he actually started singing this celeb's latest hit song in the background.

I will not give away the celeb's identity by typing a lyric of the song. But just know this, you totally wouldn't expect this type of friendship from him. Well, maybe you would. Then again, you wouldn't.

For me, though, it's good to know a celeb like this dude has a real side, that he actually isn't full of himself and cares about people.

Click Here to Read More..

An Admission ...

There will be a week of my life some time in the next year where I will plant myself on a couch and watch every episode of HBO's "The Wire" from start to finish. This is because I have only seen maybe one episode ever, and I feel as though I'm about to lose my black card to this fault.

I have friends who talk about "The Wire," as though their lives would somehow be different if the show never went on the air five seasons ago. Yet, somehow I never got into it.

Maybe I never got into it because the one time I watched it was with my weed-loving cousin, who swears by it. He was trying to explain the characters to me while rolling/smoking a joint. It didn't work out so well. Maybe weed-smokers should concentrate on one thing at a time.

Some of my favorite writers, Whitlock and Bill Simmons can barely get through a 500-word column without mentioning it. Yet somehow, they haven't gotten through to me.

But it's okay. I will atone for my shortcomings. I promise you. My black card is that important to me.

Click Here to Read More..

I Owe You One ...

I owe you a video. So without further adieu, Mos Def's Ms. Fat Booty.

Click Here to Read More..

Stuff People Like Explosion

Just in case you've been sleep on the blogosphere in the last two weeks. There's a new champion out there, and it's name is stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com.

StuffWhitePeopleLike will make you wish you had thought of this before. It is an awesome read, and has gained an amazing amount of traction in three months of life.

It makes me want to start a similar blog. Not one about black people, someone is currently trying (StuffEducatedBlackPeopleLike) and it's OK at best (but still a daily read), but one about the things men want. I could educate women on men, and also dispel some of the myths out there about us at the same time.

I'm going to come up with about 20 things men want from women and life in general I think could make a good start. I might throw the ideas at a few of my trusted male friends. If they like it, I might give life to it. I've got a good start as far as things men hate for women to do (On Women).

Anyway, I really just wanted to make you guys who come here hip to what I'm reading.

Click Here to Read More..

I Am A Realist

I am a realist,
I mean idealistically speaking,
I peak while reaching for the stars
From afar knowing my arms don’t extend that far.
So I just gaze, and crave that energy.
You know, try to synergize
That which I am with what lies in the sky
As I live my dream
To set aglow the ever-burning flame penned within me.
Realist I am, I promise you.
Not worried about whether behind my name there’s a comma or two,
Because dollars don’t define what I’ve found within.
Although sin slithers around, I’m still confound to the truth
That resounds in crevasses of a soul.
Behold, a reflection is a window leading to the scroll.
And if you can’t read: Him ... well,
I don’t know what to tell you.
Put your contacts in, get some Lasic,
Look harder than you are
Because a mirror image should never fail you.
I mean, I know the mistakes I make
Don’t you?
So why is that we reach for the sky at a time
When the lines aren’t blurred,
Absurd it seems,
There’s right and wrong
And little in between.
Realist I am, it’s what I scream
Metaphorically,
You might have to prescribe me a John 3:16 antihistamine
To keep me from loving the way my heart was written to.
See, the scroll has one word on it, and a bunch of synonyms
And you can’t pick one out from the others like a yellow M&M.
They all led back to the same root, despite their different hues
And though some throw stones and falsely accuse
The Realist still stand out with his idealistic fuse
Lit and ready to be excused from your presence
See, I was destined to be a star, born to reach the heavens
So as I aim for them, and hold Him in highest reverence
You can laugh or do as I do, whatever happens to be your preference
But I know severance from this shell leads to the well
Of life the replaces the pain and strife of this world,
And I want my cup to runneth over.
Pierce my blood with His because of it
I want mine to be anything but sober
If you want, you can depend on luck
Keep searching this earth for a four-leaved clover
But me, I’m a realist,
Idealistically speaking, until my days here are long over.

Click Here to Read More..