Lower Your Voice Please

You only need to watch the first few seconds of this: the "in the building part." Then, keep reading.



I have two friends who love to mock Oprah, and they do so in this loud annoying, but funny voice. They say words like "hot cakes" and sweet cheeks" in their best Oprah voice.

Most recently, I think last Thursday, one of them was headed to the bathroom at a local watering hole and decided to announce this to the group.

"I'm going to URINATE!" she exclaimed. We couldn't do anything but bug up. It was funny. I couldn't quite recall Oprah's annoying scream (because I don't watch her that often), but it was still humorous.

Well, Two days ago, I happened to be flipping channels at night, and came across Oprah. It was a show about sex. And at some point I heard her do the infamous scream.

I have to admit, I laughed because I thought of my friends.

Then I thought, "there's a chance she might scream, 'ORGASM!'" I wanted no part of that.

I promptly turned the station.

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I Hate Derek Jeter

I have this thing where when I see someone famous on television and they pique my interest, I look them up on Wikipedia, one of my addictions.

When I'm being lazy, which is more than it should be, I'll type the person's name in my toolbar's Google search because I know Wikipedia's entry will be No. 2 or 3 on the search list.

Well, this evening the list of people I decided to look up included Jessica Alba. I can't even tell you what she was on the television for now, not after what i learned. Tonight, Google search ruined any desire I had for the famous/attractive white woman.

You see, in my list of attractive famous women I always keep a few white women in my list to diversify my tastes, to allow for myself to appear and be well-rounded. The two women battling for that No. 1 spot for the white women were Alba and Scarlett Johansson.

That was until I googled Alba tonight.

I typed her name - J-E-S-S-I-C-A A- ... and before I could finish, Google had given me its suggestions.

No. 1: Jessica Alba.
No. 2: Jessica Alba and herpes.

"What?" I thought. "How did I miss this?"

So I did what any self-respecting person would do. I clicked on the second option to find out more dirt on Alba. Low and behold, she apparently contracted the disease from Derek "I only do the finest women in Hollywood and New York" Jeter, also the captain of the New York Yankees.

The Ron Mexico status immediately serves as a demotion for Alba, and I told belizeanchica this was the case. Scarlett had lost her main competition in my book because I can't look at Jessica the same now.

Then I found this tree:



Yeah, guess who's on there, too. Scarlett branded with a big-ass red H. I hate Derek Jeter the baseball player, and now I hate Derek Jeter the man. He's ruined the wet and pipe dreams of millions of men and sports fans.

And he deserves to be reprimanded for his actions.

Ed's Note: this is just a joke. I don't really hate Derek Jeter because he'll never be as good as A-Rod.

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And the beat goes on ...

Ok, I've been MIA, and it's not because it's something I wanted. My computer has been at the doctor's for the last four or five days, and I've missed so much in the world.

Let's see: I got into two fights with Heathclaire, Kanye outsold 50 and O.J. Simpson decided to lose his freaking mind again (although I believe he was set up).

Anyway, I've missed you, too, and I'll write something profound later on today or tomorrow. Peace.

P.S. I think I'm going to start a new blog that's more of a journal of my personal thoughts and life. That doesn't mean this is going anywhere, but I've just got some personal things that i want to get out, and need to be able to reflect on at a later date.

Of course, it's going to have a random name, and it will be just for me and the random people who find it that I don't know.

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Looking at GWB talk about the war in Iraq on television is like staring at a Piñata you'll never get the chance to crack, and that alone annoys you.

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I Will Climb The Highest Heights ...

So I went to cool martini bar called The Drop last night with Heathclaire to help celebrate passing the bar exam. It was Heathclaire, James (a woman nicknamed James) and I.

I'd been to The Drop before, but when it was the Buddha Lounge. The new owners totally switched up the ambiance. Maybe the best addition to the bar though was a video jukebox.

If you know me, you know I love jukeboxes, and I'll have one in my house one day. But this was a video jukebox, well above the norm.

So I approached it hoping that it might have my type of jams in there. And to my disbelief, it was full of them. I first played Hi-Five's "I Like The Way (The Kissing Game)" ... so in honor of that video, I dug up another one of Hi-Five's jams for you. This one happens to be my favorite Hi-Five song of all time. Enjoy.

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Curtis Apparently Skipped Graduation

Ed's Note: I've listened to both Curtis and Graduation thoroughly. These reviews are what I think of the albums themselves, as well as today's showdown and the artists.

Kanye West is a square peg that somehow fits into the circular hole that is hip hop. With his first release, he brought Miri Ben Ari on the scene for several tracks. With his second, he decided one violinist wasn't enough, and brought in an entire string ensemble and Jon Brion to bring about a sound not found on the hip hop scene.

With Graduation, Mr. "By His self he so impressed" has made the defiant fit once again. Graduation's tracks have so much depth, many sounding like they belong in a motion picture and not a rap album. Stronger sounds like it should be playing in a techno club (and it is right now somewhere), not rocking a hip hop set.

But it does that, too, and does it well. And that's just the beginning.

Twelve of the 13 tracks are cuts that would wound the ego of the finest machete. They're real. They're diverse. Some, like Can't Tell Me Nothing," hit hard. Others, see "Flashing Lights," breathe on a chord so chill its hard to believe its the same album.

Yet it works, and works well.

And then there are the lyrics and the honesty.

Lines like "Two years Dwayne Wayne, became Dwayne Wade, and Ay" 'Ye rhymes on The Glory.

Kanye smashes himself for his lavender tux, he says he wishes Lauryn Hill's heart was still in rhyming and not in Zion and "Big Brother," the most lyrically potent and honest song on the album.

There is some depth missing to the content. There's no socially conscious track like "All Falls Down" or "Crack Music." And that alone means this album is not on par with The College Dropout or even Late Registration.

But when you listen to the music, you realize Kanye has commenced to a level never before seen in hip hop, a level where squares fit in round holes with relative ease.

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50 Cent's first album is a classic rap album. Probably in the Top 10 all time of hip hop albums. There are tracks on that album that would make BIG and Pac jealous like Patiently Waiting or Many Men.

You could hear the hunger in 50 lyrics as though he hadn't eaten in weeks. You felt his struggle.

On The Massacre and Curtis, which drops today, 50 sounds like a man who's feating on Filet Mignon and Mahi Mahi daily. There are a few tracks that go hard, "Ayo Technology," which features Justin Timberlake tops the list followed by "I Get Money."

Few, if any, of the other beats thump and move you, and the lyrics sound like they belong on the mixtape of an amateur, not an artist three albums deep.

It makes you wonder what's left for a man to rap about who has everything and has no struggle. What's left for a man who has to manually create his own struggle? Not much.

Make you think it's time for 50 to take his Vitamin Water money and crawl in a music-less hole until he finds some more inspiration. He says the title of his next album is Before I Self Destruct.

I think it's happening an album early, Curtis. But he is laughing straight to the bank with his Vitamin Water money.
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Finally, I'm buying Kanye's album. Had 50's sounded better, I would have purchased it. Can't say the same about Kenny Chesney.

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A Few Riffs ...

I've had a few good thoughts over the course of the last week. Here's a sample of what's been going through my brain.

1. The big hip hop showdown is tomorrow, Sept. 11th. Fifty and Kanye's albums drop, and they're fighting for supremacy. but they've got competition who is not getting a lot of run - Kenny Chesney. This reads like Pat White and Steve Slaton chasing the Heisman, and losing out because they're on the same team and they're splitting votes. Chesney's gonna win this race, although I hope Kanye outsells 50, and he crawls into a hole and drinks Vitamin water for the rest of his life.




2. Has anyone else noticed that Lil Mama looks like Lil Bow Wow with some poppin Lip Gloss and a weave? I refuse to recognize him as (No Lil) Bow Wow until he grows to at least 5-foot-7.

3. The title You Have to Kiss A Lot of Frogs popped into my mind the other day, and for whatever reason I started wondering what would be the proper response to said book. This was the title I came up with: You Have to Knock Off A Few Ducks Before You Sing A Swan Song.

4. Britney Spears needs to go home and be a mom. Forget singing and performing.

5. I'm working on a really good piece entitled Asymmetry, which I will post either later today or tomorrow.

6. I'm probably going to write a review tomorrow of the two albums. I've heard them both, and there's good and bad on both.

That's all.

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Butter On A Stove

Butter churned
I never knew it flew
That was until the day
I first saw the truth
Your lies shriveled up
Like Crisco on a hot stove
Wishing it could find its way
Back out into the cold
But no, it stayed, and de-chilled
Wilted away as though it were
A hundred degrees on a sunny day
And the rays blazed trails long as Santa Fe
Yet you was on the skillet, plus about 80 degrees
Flipped the whole script,
And started spitting more shit at me.
And me,
Enveloped by the fire you brought
I knew not what to do.
Was I to turn the heat up
And answer your beckoning cue?
Nah, dude.
I brought the burner back down to a simmer
See, you gotta remember
I’ve got entirely too much to lose.
See, my fate’s derived by the decisions I chose.
And confuse you it may,
But I’m walking away
Sure, I’ve got more to say
I’m saving those words for a rainy day
When they’ll be better spent
On someone I can actually convince
Making hamburger with out unnecessary grease
Certainly makes a lot more sense.

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I Gotta Be

So this is back before Jagged Edge found an edge. Their music on their first album, A Jagged Era, seemed to be less hood. This song had the feel of a B2M ballad. It was their first Top 40 single, and probably my favorite JE track.

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