The Show Before the Show

I went to the Improv last night for a comedy show that one of my cousins headlined last night. It was an entertaining show that included some audience participation, which is always fun.

Little did I know the funniest thing said all night would be uttered before we even got into the show. On my way to the line, I ran into a couple of friends from college that I see out and about ever so often.

We were shooting the breeze for a few when one of the girls glossed her lips and immediately broke out into the "Lip Gloss" song.

"My lip gloss is poppin. My lip gloss is cool."

When she stopped I turned to her and said, "I hate that song, but at least she's not singing love songs or about some dude."

It was then that the ignorance came.

"She needs to be singing about going to school," Moni chimed in. "That's what needs to be going on."

She then broke out into fine freestyle form.

"My diaphragm is poppin. My diaphragm is cool. I ain't got no babies and I'm headed off to school."

I guess that's not a bad story either. lol.

But so yeah the comedy show was cool, but Moni briefly put on a show before the show. Yeah.

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If you tell your significant other that you love him/her every time that you speak with him/her on the phone does that take away from the saying and the way you express it through words?

I know it doesn't take away from the meaning. Your actions actually do. But is it possible to actually overdo "I Love You?"

Tell me what you think ....

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Keep Away

I ran into an interesting read on Yahoo! Today about the “Five Secrets You Should Keep From Your Partner.”

I always say that the only true secrets are the ones you share with no one. I’ll give my explanation on each one this guys "things he'd keep to himself" and whether or not I agree. They are as follows.

"You Don’t Turn Me on Right Now."
Yeah, I wouldn’t quite say this to a female either, especially not one I’m in a relationship with. If she doesn’t turn me on right now, then she probably never did, which means we aren’t together. Pretty simple. If your current significant other isn’t doing it for you at the moment, you’d be an asshole to actually use this phrase with that person.

"I Flirt With Others at Work."
I have no problem with this. I have flirted with waitresses in front of past girlfriends and will likely do it until I die. It’s almost innate. The problem comes when you do more than flirt. Flirting is harmless.

"I Can’t Stand Your Friends."
If this is the truth, why not tell them this? I would and have before. But then, maybe this plays into why I’m single now. Nah. If you don’t like a friend of your partner’s there is nothing wrong with telling that person.

"I Still Think About My Ex."
I still think about my ex how? Thinking about someone is one thing. But thinking about them and wanting to be with them maybe is a major problem and you probably shouldn’t share that. But if you’re just wondering how he or she is doing – who cares? The person you’re with shouldn’t be so insecure if you’re curious about how an ex is doing.

"I Can’t Live Without You."
Don’t say this. You will scare the bejesus out of your spouse. “I can’t live without you,” means that you lose all control of a relationship, and if you don’t have some control in a relationship you will be walked on like a downtown Chicago sidewalk. No person should even have this as a part of his or her vows during his or her wedding. That’s what “until death do us part” unassumingly applies.

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This is me Screaming

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

If you can't tell, I'm very frustrated/upset right now.

In the mean time, maybe the NBA does have a little racial bias. Steve Nash deliberately kicks Kobe Bryant in the groin a few weeks back. Nothing happens.

Robert Horry gives Nash a little nudge and helps him to the floor. He gets two games.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather be floored by a forearm any day of the week before someone kicked me in my man region.
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Speaking of regions, Oprah's use of the word "va jay jay" is so not cool. It's going to ruin America.

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Mother's Day ...

I spent the better parts of Saturday and Sunday with my mother. We all, well some of us celebrated Mother’s Day on Sunday, and I figured spending some time with my mother would be in order.

On Saturday we went car shopping and on Sunday we went to lunch at her favorite restaurant (messing up my brunch idea).

If you know me, you know I love my mother. But she’s crazy. Not she-needs-to-be-locked-up-in-a-home crazy. But there-are-times-when-I-wonder-if-we-should-lock-her-up-in-a-home-type crazy.

No really. She can just be an annoying person. One of her favorite things to do is to ask me, “Who is your mother?”

When she does, I always just look at her with this blank stare and think to myself, “Does you she really still think I’m five? Do I look five?”

Really, WHO DOES THIS?!

Now if you can imagine her asking me that question three times every hour for approximately five hours on Saturday and seven on Sunday, you’d understand what I survived (barely) this weekend.

Now, I can say I did have some fun, engaged in some intriguing conversation and learned some new things about my mother that gave me new insights into her.

I think the most interesting thing that she said is that she had spent so much of “my life trying to figure out who I was.”

I replied, “I’ve learned that finding yourself is the easy part. Keeping yourself is where you get into trouble.”

I don’t know. Learning what I did this weekend makes you almost want to give her a break on the way she is considering the things that she’s been through in life.

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Vic's Random Thoughts

1. There was a false alarm at work on Thursday. Apparently someone did what I wrote about a few weeks back – dialed 9-1-1 by accident because they dialed 9-1 to dial out and accidentally hit 1 again. We were talking about it and someone asked the question about dialing 9-911 and if that would work.

2. Ne-yo said that he wrote the lyrics to Beyonce’s Irreplaceable and she wrote the chorus. The chorus goes, “To the left, to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left.” Rudimentary and corny.

3. Ne-yo’s Go On Girl is a response to Irreplaceable. I’ll post it later this weekend so you can hear it. The lyrics to the chorus go like this: “Please don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Only gonna play the fool one time. Trust me when I say that I’ll be okay. Go on girl. Go on girl. Go on girl.”

4. Keeping with the Ne-yo theme, why does dude never take his hats off? Never. The only time I’ve seen Ne-yo without a hat is in Stomp The Yard, and that was for only a few scenes.

5. I’m a helping of potato salad short of a picnic.

6. I want this whole Don Imus thing to go away. But it won’t. I want black people to actually wake up and see that we have to get the ignorance out from within before we go about seriously policing the ignorance of others.

7. I don’t remember writing this, but belizeanchica recently said that Don Imus looks like Thomas Jefferson’s corpse.

8. Television has gotten really, really bad.

9. Making that case: Did anyone else see the season finale of Girlfriends? I watched the last half of it and was appalled. Why you ask? Because they end it with Joan’s boyfriend proposing to her with what seemed like everyone who’d ever played a role on the show ever showing up for the engagement party. Everyone except (my baby's mama) Toni Childs. This was just tacky.

10. If you can’t tell, I’m rooting for Barry Bonds to break this home-run record. I’ll explain this next week.

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Stones, Paris, Barry and Simplicity

Is it really possible to kill to birds with the same stone? I think so, but I figure that it has to be a really big stone and two birds who are paralyzed.

Anyway, to what's on my mind today.
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There's a minuscule part of me that feels for Paris Hilton because she's gonna get "Locked up" like Akon (Literally. If you haven't seen dude's video or the pictures of him and his 14-year-old friend, yet, find them. I don't put R to X-rated material on my blog. Dude went half-Robert Kelly on that chica.) for 45 days.

Then there's this overwhelming - we'll say 97.2 percent - part of me that think she's the biggest idiot known to man. How do you not know that you're not able to drive? If you're that damn rich, why don't you just be the lazy fart that you are and hire someone to drive you around?

I think the thing that bothers me more than anything else is that she had to know her licence was suspended. She can't be that dumb.

But maybe she is because if she knew her license was suspended, being who she is you would think she would be smart enough to know that driving should be out of the question. If any random cop ran her tags, and saw that she was driving, she'd be done. I don't know how this exact situation came to be, but she's an idiot.
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It doesn't shock me that so many black people either don't believe or don't care if Barry Bonds took steroids. Frankly, I don't care if he did or didn't because I believe an overwhelming majority of football and baseball players during the 80s and 90s were using steroids, and thus you shouldn't use him as the scapegoat because he's the best player to play the game sans Alex Rodriguez in the last 40 years.

But back to blacks. What we all must consider is that we're talking about the same race of people that applauded OJ when he was found innocent even though most shreds of evidence said otherwise just because a black man had somehow worked-over the system that has screwed over the black man sans grease for 400 years.

Make sense? I think so.
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Quote of the day:
"Simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plainness."

I'm trying to be simple.

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Random Thoughts

1. I watched an episode of The Dave Chappelle Show last night with the skits "When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong" and "I Know Black People." A couple of thoughts: a. "When ..." was actually informative in the respect that you really don't want to deface a goverment vehicle (six years and a felony); b. I think "I Know..." wasn't staged. I think it was really impromptu with real answers from those people. It made that bit funnier.

2. I can't wait for the next season of the Boondocks to see how Huey and Riley Freeman handle Don Imus.

3. Simon Cowell kissing LaKisha on American Idol was rather disgusting from both ends. I'm putting my vote in now though (not really). She won't win. Lil Linebacker won't win. Neither the beat-boxer. That leaves the girl who looks just like my best friend, but I can't remember her name now. Shows you what I think of the potential American Idols.

4. Speaking of boxing, the big fight is this weekend Mayweather-De La Hoya. I don't understand why this fight has gotten so much run. The last time I remember seeing De Ha Hoya he was on the canvas sucking wind from a BHop body shot and refused to get up. It's going to happen again. Floyd Mayweather is going to pummel Oscar.

5. I want the Golden State Warriors, who just dumped on Dallas, to win the NBA title.

6. Ne-Yo's album is the shit. It's not In My Own Words, but it's laced with a variety of jams: Because of You, Crazy, Can We Chill, Do You, Addicted, Leaving Tonight, Make It Work, Say It and Go On Girl. I think my favorites are Make It Work, Sex With My Ex, Do You and Crazy. Sex sounds like a Prince cut from the mid-80s.

7. I'm excited about this new Spider-Man movie. I think I'm going to see it at the Imax. It will be my first Imax movie.

8. Clapping during a movie is bad, but if you see Dreamgirls the film and don't clap there is something wrong with you.

9. I think I've got a good post coming tomorrow or Sunday whenever I really feel like writing. But for now this is it.

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Damone versus Goliath

This story begins with me running. Not running to win a race. But running like my life depended on it. In the third grade, when you have a six-foot behemoth chasing you with the intent of bloodying your nose, you run as though your name is Forrest Gump and you don't look back.

So I trudged my way down the sidewalk, all 100 pounds and 4-foot, 11-inches of me running from the tyranny that was Tammy. Yes, six-foot behemoth Tammy. She was my school bus-stop bully in the third grade. She picked on me constantly, and at that stage, I couldn't really understand why.

As I grew older, I realized that she had that love-to-hate-to-like-you type crush on me, and because of it, she thought it be okay to try to crush my skull in every day to show me how she felt. She rarely tried to actually "crush my skull in," but she took pleasure in stealing my belongings and picking on me.

Well, on this particular day, she promised to pulverize me for what I don't remember. I do remember that she had a look on her face as though she might really do it. Her face always oozed evil, but this look was especially menacing.

So I started running. Running for fear of my life. Running for protection. Running because I preferred not to bleed. Running because it was my best option. Running ... ... for what?

Amid all my thoughts, I realized that I needed to stop running from her and stand up for myself before I actually embarassed myself. So I stopped running. With Tammy's galloping feet only a few paces behind me, I turned and threw the best straight right hand I'd thrown thus far in my feeble eight years of existence.

It connected on the bridge of her nose. She fell to the ground like a harmless fly and clutched her bleeding nose and bruised ego. I can't tell you how great that feeling was. Finally, I looked down on her with all the confidence in the world, and for one day I was king of the bus stop.

We were both called to the principal's office when we got to school, and I told my story while tearing up.

"But she's a foot taller than me and really mean," I cried to the assistant principal. "What was I supposed to do?"

Now had she been a hair under six feet, let's say 5-foot-11, I might have been screwed, and missed school for the first time ever on suspension. But that wasn't the case. Tammy really could have banged with Lisa Leslie and Cheryl Miller in the WNBA back then.

The principal agreed with me, and gave me a pardon while Tammy, who had been there before many times, was suspended for three days and a week from riding the bus.

I never ran from her again.

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She'll Be Calling You Kelly ...

... when yo name is TOMMY!

ed's note: the above is me being ignorant because I can not get the song I'm a Flirt Remix out of my head. I keep hearing it over again in my head especially the aforementioned line and T-Pain saying he's in love with a stripper. This has nothing to do with what follows.

I took a survey of my friends and co-workers yesterday. I wanted to know if anyone attended a wedding that didn't end on such a happy note.

You know, the wedding where the bride's father pays out his ass for everything his daughter wants and then she decides that she's doesn't particularly care for the person she's going to marry. Or the guy who gets cold feet the night before the wedding, and takes the first flight to Vegas the next morning.

Funny thing is, no one I asked had ever been witness to such a momentus event. Everyone said that they would love to be there if something so crazy ever happened.

It seems as though this is something that only happens on television or at the movies - take your pick. Girlfriends, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, A Different World and Spiderman 2. Yes, even Mary Jane left a dude at the alter for Peter Parker.

But where is the real life version of this at? You know that it has happened before, and will again. Case in point, the real life Runaway Bride. I'm actually shocked that it doesn't happen more often considering how much money can be saved despite the embarassment.

If you've ever experienced this - first-hand or second - please let me know. I'm really curious. It actually makes me want to go to all the weddings that I know of this year just to see if it will happen.

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